Dear Gangaji and Eli,
Meeting with you was mysterious and miraculous - indeed, driven by Grace. I am so lucky. As I said as I was weeping at your feet, it was against all odds that I could be there. Really. My husband agreed to take care of our 1 yr old twins and 3 year old daughter. . .after I was offered the trip. It was 40 hours of travel for just over 40 hours of being there…. anyway, enough about the ‘story’ =).
Now, as I sit here, I feel a deep silence that extends to at least Jupiter and back. It is so quiet. I’ve never heard such a beautiful deep quiet before. And from this quiet, there is nothing to say. I just wanted to share it with you both.
The love I felt as I hung onto you with my cold, sweaty palms - that love was all the love in the world. It bubbled up through me and ignited into pure joy as it met you. It was nobody’s love - there was nobody there - just joyous love. Gangaji, when I looked into your eyes, I felt like I could see to the bottom of the ocean… vast, deep - not just the beauty of your physical eyes, but the depth of love pouring from them made me weep. I saw that it was love meeting love - and I was able to accept this love into my heart - and acknowledge that this love was not only for me, but was (and is) me. Everything else disappeared. And Eli, then I looked at you and could have just crawled up on the couch to hug you both - I saw such joy, such recognition, such unboundedness, such acknowledgment of the love that I was finally coming home to, the love of One Self.
As I’ve come back into what was an overwhelmingly busy and demanding life, I am noticing that it is possible to hear this silence, even when I also hear (behind it) three lively munchkins that need their mama at every turn. I see that the love in my heart - that I thought was for them, is actually a greater love than I ever knew. It is the LOVE that I am, that you are, that everything is. As I notice the strength of this love - how much “I” love my kids, I now see it as love itself loving my kids. And I am this love - but not me as the person I once believed myself to be.
I see that love is living me. I no longer have the question ‘what should I do with my life that will serve all?’ but now ‘ what will this magnificent life do with me?’
Today I felt a great longing to be sitting nestled between you guys again. I felt a longing to return home to my own self, to that peace, that light that was so luminous and welcoming in your presence. Even though I know (my spiritual intellect ‘knows’) I can not be separate from that, somehow, the veil of the ego can make it seem that way. So I let that veil be there. I said, ok, come on in, you can be here too, this feeling of ‘separateness’ was welcomed. It seemed to soften a bit. I felt so humbled and surprised by the love coming out of my 3 year old, Olive, - so surprised, at her spontaneous humour, her wisdom, her generosity, her genuine care for me as she truly helped me take care of the twins - and then I realized that that was another way that LOVE was loving me again. And I am that LOVE at the same time that it is coming at me from all directions, in each moment. And I found myself able to receive it, deeply, joyously - as unexpected and mysterious it was. I am finding peace - or it is finding me.
Now, as I sink in, quietly, I find this vast empty silence. It is so vast. Inward and outward. Nowhere and everywhere. No inside or outside. And Oh My God…. I AM alone!!!!! A rush of tears, a deep untangling, a peace that always was…. never was…..only is…… hahahaha how to describe this??
As soon as I think about it - it all collapses. But now the mind seems so small, so easily identifiable….. Before I came to Maui, I longed for time in my life to be able to reflect on this - to be in external as well as internal quiet. But now, I realize that in a funny way, it is almost easier to hear what is truly silent when everything is teething, tantruming and ‘mama’-ing.
This is brand new for me. Each moment. I have surrendered to the master of Grace, of Love to flow through my life, as my life, as myself. And I have no clue what is going to happen next. We’ll see!!! What a mystery!!!!!!!! I’m in!!!!!!
All my love,
‘not even nothing’