Dearest Eli and Everyone,

No escape :). Last weekend I was literally taken to a sangha where I was asked to give a video-satsang and talk about my insights. Mysteriously a friend of mine called me last week to join him and talk in front of a group of people at the weekend. They usually meet every month but the leader of the group became ill. After this satsang, I really experienced what Papaji said:" I've never given satsang, I always only receive satsang." At the end of the day I got so deeply silent, there was just space, love, peace, oneness, gratitude.

Although there was so much silence and love the day before the event, of course when I got there I had to face my fear of losing control :), the stupidness of wanting to meet other people's needs, the fear of I will not be loved and I will be judged.. etc, and all kinds of fears that usually come with the 6 fixation. And the greatest thing is that the fear was there but IT DID NOT MATTER. I was used by Grace anyway. It was really burning in me but deep inside there was so much trust!

First we showed a subtitled DVD of Gangaji and Eli, called Living Freedom. There were different reactions to it. But it was so beautiful that none of them was taken personally. There was such love between the members of the group. And really in Hungary (well in this part) I have never felt this kind of spirit of Sangha before. I always only felt it with the Gangaji and Eli groups. I am so touched that satsang has started to spread in this part of the world too! 

So after we watched the DVD, a woman in the group just stopped and said: Well I am a talkative person, but now I cannot say anything I am so touched, something has stopped. Although I could not read every subtitle, but what was shining through the presence of Gangaji and Eli blew my mind.

It was so beautiful to see this!!During lunch everybody shared their experience and there were some discussions about awakening.

So in the afternoon I said, well it is time to experience it for themselves right now, what is here, what is it that they truly want.

All of the sudden I felt huge fear again, but somehow I was just noticing it and right away I felt how silly the thought was that generated the fear. The thought was: Oh, my God, what is going to Happen? What if everybody opens, or if the exercise brings up all kinds of stuff in them or if they will not like it... :)

I saw this and in that moment I smiled that I am not in charge, it is going by itself...

So, I know that most of you probably have already done Eli's Lifting the Veil program, and I chose one of the exercises we learned there. So people had to get in pairs and they were doing some repeating questions. Actually I chose quite a long one, where there are about six kinds of questions.  :) They need to find a problem they have in everyday life which they would like to examine and catch the point where they falsely identify themselves with the trance. So the first question is: Who is to blame? What do you really want? etc...and at the end: How does it happen emotionally, mentally, physically?...

I have never in my life lead a group, so it was kind of medias res with the Leela therapy tool. But my Godness the gift it gave me is unbelievable.

First I saw that the reaction of some of the people was:" Well, what problem? I do not have a problem. There is no such thing as a problem. It is no use doing this. I do not even exist." But you could feel the huge resistance behind.  Anyway they also did it, and I am sure it was useful for them too. The others who were willing to fully participate were already showing the gift of the exercise on their faces, with their look. Sometimes there were impatience present in the room, like, oh is there still another question? Some felt first it was a burden. But that was ok too, and all along I could see that all can be here.

But in the end when I said to them to close their eyes, and ask themselves what if the whole thing is a trance induction? And in that moment I even more deeply realised what I realised with you Eli at the Lifting the Veil retreat, that: somehow the exercise itself was a trance induction. And I said: Aaaaah..., the real gift of an exercise (it was generated in me by those people who were resistant to the exercise) is to realise what is here before the exercise, during the exercise and after the exercise. So I said in the "meditation" afterwards. See what feelings were evoked by the exercise, become one with it, and see what is deeper. And what is alway here?

And there was such deepening by this. I did not want to open my eyes or say a thing, just loving them and loving them and seeing that there are no boundaries. And I can truly say that really being a true friend is to have an open heart and an open mind and all benefit from it. It does not matter what exercise you choose when you are with another friend or group of friends, it is really really the silent mind and open heart and everything is a gift.

Some of the people, since they have never met and done Self-inquiry before, were really amazed how deep these simple and essential questions have penetrated. They were truly grateful.

And by seeing this I was even more touched and more grateful and silent. It was also a confirmation that my wish to show this simple method of realising oneself is really welcomed here and there are more and more people who are open to this.

So I say I am here, use me love and Grace as you do anyway...

It is really amazing that people/groups find me, I do not force a thing... I just offer myself, despite of the possible upcoming fear...:)

Really the personal disappears...

It is so beautiful to be part of this all...

I love you all, and hear you on Saturday!

In deep gratitude and love, one...

Adrienn

Five and a half year ago, I learned I had breast cancer.

In the middle of a huge crowd of people a radiologist called to tell me the news on my cell phone. As I felt my mind and body tumble through space, Eli’s voice called out to me: “It’s always a good day to die.”

Many diseases and much physical devastation later, I’ve been given the Grace to live that Truth as this ego body dies. The diagnosis is unimportant. The realization is Everything. Any day is a great day to die to the imagined future, and the not-good-enough past. It’s always a good day to quiet the mental and physical and emotional stories we tell ourselves, no matter how logical or righteous they may seem at the time.

We are all tapped on the shoulder many times in our lives. And how will we respond? Can we muster the courage to face the terror that has stalked us all our years turning every gift, every accomplishment to dross? To turn, finally, and face the mind and its infinite hells. To finally confront my own terror of hobgoblins and find there’s No Thing there. This has been the greatest freedom of my life. To surrender. To not resist anything…not even the inevitable death that awaits. That’s what I was always afraid of at the core. That the imagined “I” would have to be silent whether I liked it or not. This is what Eli, my beloved and loving relentless teacher gave me…the experience of what it means to die before the body drops away.

“Completely accidentally” I met Eli and Gangaji 19 years ago. I heard their words and they resonated somewhere within me… so I wanted to be in their audience, but I struggled mightily to stay in the story. Being shown the mask of fixation in all its infinite flavors finally humbled me. During many retreats with Eli and Gangaji and the incredible good fortune to be in the first

3-year program, I was prepared for the experience that a dying body can co-exist with a peaceful, even joyous heart.

All of this is not to say that I don’t have pain and fear come up. But I let them be present without fighting back or having a judgment about whether any of it is spiritual or not. Soon, I check back in and there No Thing there. And I will say that I laugh many times a day…at a good joke, a funny skit on UTube and, most of all, at myself and how the ego wants its devious way.

We are all living lucky lifetimes having been graced with a teacher through whom the Wisdom of the Ages pours. We may not get it the first time, or even the 20th, but just being committed to stay in the sangha, to go back for more, even when the ego screams “Enough!” is the gift that you can open when you need it most.

We haven’t all met in the flesh, but we are One and the same. In this spirit I write to you, friends known and unknown, to recognize the Light that shines upon us…the Light we all encompass.

Days are waning but I find I can watch the body disintegrate, sometimes very painfully, but nothing changes in my joy of being allowed to live long enough to recognize that I am loved and Love itself.

In Truth, Gratitude and abiding Love, Barbara Lehman

Dearest Eli,
I just returned from being at Harbin for a couple of days — on my own for the first time since Meera was born and it was very beautiful and rejuvenating. I wanted to share that I was in the hot pool with my heart at the source of the mother spring...stinging hot water pouring over and through me and I felt YOU so deeply! So beautifully...YOU...Papaji, Ramana...there was only YOU, only LOVE and I was so touched. You are alive in me ever more deeply. I am so grateful for the time I got to spend in person with you breathing down my neck. How it did serve!

I love you always!

May this New Year bring all Beauty, Love and unending and ever deeper Freedom.

In gratitude and love,
Padma